However, I do want to get the cut/ripped/fit look that you see in fitness magazines and all those super athletes.  And I’ll be honest – I want to look like Jillian Michaels.  She can stand there, and you’ll see her muscles easily, without flexing.  That kind of muscle definition is my end goal.

Well, you can see my muscles when I flex – no problem.  I’m happy with the size of my muscles and my strength.  I’ve always prided myself on not being weak and being able to handle myself and the environment around me.  It grows my confidence in myself and my self-esteem.  I feel better and act better and more importantly – people react to me better.  Being a powerful person and projecting that power (whether intellectually or physically) gains you respect and the people around you will act as such.  Respect is important to me and I want to make sure I am projecting the respect that I have for myself to the people around me so that they in turn, treat me with the respect I deserve.

Now, I really really really really don’t want to offend anyone here, and I’m not necessarily sure I will with what I’m saying.  But just to explain where I’m coming from, I should emphasize that I am NOT perfect.  I have NOT reached my goal and I struggle daily.  I DON’T have all the answers and I know for A FACT that my reality is most likely VERY different than anyone else.  That means that what I say may not be true to you at all, and I understand that and I totally realize this makes me WRONG. I’m fine with that, but this is my blog, and so this is my projection of how I see things based on my own unique life experiences so… there ya go.

Having explained all that, people treat you based on your appearance.  They treat people that are very “attractive” differently than those that are unattractive.  They treat people that dress in attractive and tasteful clothes differently than those that dress like slobs.  We can kid ourselves that people are above that and that they look at the inner beauty only and completely ignore the outside appearance, but I don’t think that’s true.  I think we rely very heavily on our sense of sight to interpret the world and react accordingly – and that includes how we treat people.

When I run into someone that always dresses like a slob, it tells me that they have no real pride in how they look and then I can’t help but think that these people probably don’t have that much respect for themselves.  Now, I say “always” dresses like a slob – everyone occasionally dresses like a slob – we’re not always dressed to the nines and putting on makeup and hair and all that – that’s totally different.  But when I meet people that don’t appear to have any real interest in “looking good” on a somewhat regular basis, then I can’t help but think that they don’t have enough self-respect to put energy in making themselves look more attractive.  I mean, who doesn’t want to look attractive??  If you say you don’t, you’re a liar!

Now, let me point out that a sense of style does play into this – just because I feel kids that dress all “emo” is not an attractive look (and quite stupid, frankly), but that doesn’t mean that they themselves don’t believe it is.  Obviously they take a LOT of time and effort in buying only black clothing and spending a small fortune on mascara and other black eye makeup and struggling into their super skinny jeans every day.  To me, that shows a lot of effort and thus, they probably feel they are worth it and have some pride in their appearance.  I’m cool with that.

You know, I wasn’t really planning on going through this big explanation about appearance and all that, but it does tie into my point of this post.  So what the hell is my point already??

My point, is that I am a little at a loss as to how to get to my end goal of looking like Jillian Michaels.  I know that I have the confidence and self-respect I need to achieve it.  I have the energy and the determination to get it done because I feel it is an important part of how people treat me in the world.  I’m just unsure of how to get there.

Specifically, I’ve been contemplating cutting off red meat.  *GASP*  I know!  It’s something that I never really thought I’d hear myself say (or write) ever, but it’s something I am seriously starting to research to see if it’s something that could really benefit me. 

Do I think that red meat is the devil?  Absolutely not.  As an avid carnivore for 32 years now (yes, I probably ate steak straight out of the womb!), I do think that there are benefits to red meat that have helped me grow to what I am now.  Actually, probably all the hormones I’ve eaten in red meat my whole life has something to do with the fact that I am so much taller and bigger than my relatives back in Mexico.  What is different between my immediate family and my extended family?  Well, the fact that I grew up in Canada and they grew up in Mexico.  So, in that sense, our diets have obviously been very different because we get our food from different sources.  I have no evidence to support this, except that theory, but I’m sticking to it!

So, why would I consider cutting out red meat?  Well, for one, I am aware of the amount of hormones and other junk that can be found in beef.  It’s not like it’s a secret.  And I also am aware that there are better alternatives out there.  I really do like chicken, turkey, and fish.  I eat it quite a bit and I really enjoy it.  If I continue to eat those sources instead to get the protein that is very important to my body, I think I can get rid of red meat forever.

Now, I do admit that there are hormones and other crap that I can get from eating chicken and fish.  It’s something that I need to be aware of and just try to find organic solutions where possible.  But, even with the hormones, at least it’s lean protein and not as heavy as beef.  That makes sense, right?  Sure!

I know my husband Bill is going to freak out about this possible change… and I can understand why.  His family is even bigger into steak and beef than mine is, and that’s saying a lot.  He’s grown up around farms and animals and all that and understands very well that people are supposed to eat meat.  We’re omnivores for a reason – and I understand that, absolutely.  But a change is something that I think I need.  I’ve been stuck in the same stage for quite a while now and finally committing to a change that I believe will help me get to my goal is something that I just need to do for myself.

One last point (on this already WAY too long post) is that I think I’ve discovered I’m actually not eating ENOUGH calories to lose the body fat I’m looking for.  That’s a bit of an overwhelming discovery for me.  By no means am I starving myself whatsoever, but I think for the amount I work out every day, it seems to not be enough and my body is hanging on to as much fat as it can, thus, stalling my progress.  It’s a scary thought to try and eat more to lose fat though… so against my instincts.  But I can’t argue with what a lot of experts say about it…

Anyway, I need to end this and just promise to give an update on my progress with these new changes.  I’ll let you know how it goes and any problems I am facing with it.  I see several already, but to reach my goal, I recognize that sacrifice is needed to reach it, plain and simple.  Wish me luck!

You probably have already guessed where I stand on this debate.  No, surprisingly, I don’t think PE should be mandatory up until grade 12 – I think it should stay as it is, at grade 10.  The reason I don’t think it should go to grade 12 is because it is not a university-recognized course.  If it counted as a course to to get you into university, then I’d say hell yeah – make it mandatory.  Unfortunately, it does not, so I recognize the fact that students will need to take other courses to get them into post-secondary school.

And why do I think that it should stay at grade 10?  Well, frankly, that’s the obvious part.  Everyone has heard about the obesity epidemic.  Everyone recognizes that we spend so much more time in front of the TV and the computer/laptop/ipod/ipad/iphone/blah blah blah… and that people don’t go out and get the exercise that they need.  On top of that, add all the convenient processed food we eat and bingo bango – we’ve got unhealthy people!

So if the point of school is to prepare kids for the future and give them the necessary skills that they need to not only survive, but to thrive in their future lives, doesn’t it make sense that we should be teaching them how to stay active and healthy?  Isn’t that just as important as learning advanced algebra or learning about Canada’s first Prime Minister?  In fact, isn’t it even MORE important than those things??  I mean, they have to live in their bodies for the rest of their lives.  If they are unhealthy people, they are just going to be a drain on healthcare and suffer a poor quality of life.  They may die prematurely of some disease or another or simply from heart disease or another issue caused by an unhealthy lifestyle.  No one is going to DIE if they don’t know how to find the square root of something.

Part of the reason why this discussion came up was because we remembered how frustrating PE would be in high school – especially for early high school when classes were split up by gender.  I had to suffer through classes where half the girls refused to participate or came with some made-up note from their parents stating that they didn’t have to play.  Sad thing is, I bet you some of those notes were legit and their parents didn’t care if they participated or not…

Then, when we finally went to coed classes in grade 11 when PE was an elective, I must admit – in the beginning, I loved it!  It was great – boys didn’t care about sweating or trying hard or participating.  Boys didn’t bring notes to class saying they don’t have to participate because they’re “on their period” (which is a bullshit excuse and makes me cringe!).  I got to sweat and play and try as hard as I wanted, with some actual competition for once – it was great!

However, then it began to dawn on me why lots of girls didn’t want to participate in PE (besides the obvious excuse of being lazy).  I would try hard and play hard and enjoy myself, but when you beat a boy in physical competition, boy did they get mad!  It’s extremely unfair, stupid, and cliche, but in my experience, I’ve found it to be true – a lot of high school boys don’t like girls that can beat them at sports.  They like girls that like to listen to them talk, are not too smart or funny, and are not “too sporty”.  That sounds maybe a little bitter – and may I am a little bitter – but you beat a guy at badminton or basketball or whatever in PE class, they get embarrassed in front of their friends, and then make up some excuse as to why they lost, or they begin to attack you with the usual “lesbo” insults.  Fun times.

So for girls, who maybe have a bit of a self-esteem issue (and what high school girl doesn’t??), I can understand why they don’t want to play sports or participate in PE.  Boys don’t like girls who are good at it.  For some reason it makes them feel threatened or something.  And so, girls go on ignoring the need to be active and exercise and lose their chance to learn those valuable skills in PE class… so sad and frustrating…

OK – I think I got my point across on this one.  I think PE should stay mandatory so that at least kids have SOME experience of physical activity in their early childhood and into their teens.  I also understand why girls shy away from the experience, but that as a society, we really need to push on changing those ideas that girls who are good at sports have something wrong with them or are not desirable.

But let me just make a couple foot notes about this.  Not ALL boys are threatened by these types of girls.  I had some good guy friends in school who were supportive and didn’t act threatened at all.  Of course, there were many, many others that did… Also, I should say that I know some girls really did suffer from some bad side effects of having their period.  And that sucks.  But honestly, if they’re bad enough that you can’t run around in PE class, then you really shouldn’t be at school.  And lastly, I am NOT the healthiest person – I continue to struggle with getting my exercise in and paying attention to what I eat, so don’t think I’ve got it all figured out or anything because I don’t.  I just understand that it’s something that’s very important and something that I should continue to improve on.

So… if you’re one of those that always avoided participating in PE, I honestly don’t understand why.  But I do know that obviously not everyone is the same, and for personal reasons that are probably pretty valid, you didn’t like it.  OK.  But it doesn’t make the fact that learning about living a healthy lifestyle and making exercise a priority any less important and one that people should incorporate into their lives.  You don’t have to, obviously, but at least the school system should continue to give kids that opportunity by keeping PE in schools.

- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Calle Morenos,San Jose,Costa Rica

I’m not really one to make New Years Resolutions (NYRs).  I don’t know if it’s because I’m lazy, or just that I don’t think there’s any point.  Probably a combination of the two.  My NYR should maybe be to stop being lazy… But whatever the case, I have never really made them and I don’t intend to start now.  If there’s a goal you want to reach, I don’t see the point of making a pledge to yourself on January 1st, because chances are, you’re not going to meet it.  If you had really, really wanted to reach that goal, you would’ve started it already.

I guess you could have a New Years re-affirmation (NYRA) instead of a resolution… that way, it would just be to resolve yourself to continue working on your goal that you should already be working towards.  So you would re-affirm to yourself that you’re going to continue saving money, or continue losing 20 pounds or continue writing that book you want to publish.

You know what’s sort of sad? When you go like, 5 years in a row with the exact same NYR.  It’s like, dude, move on.  It’s obvious you’re not really committed to reaching that goal so maybe lower your expectations drastically to a level that is more easily attainable for you, or find something else. There’s no point in putting yourself through the failure and guilt year after year.  If you really wanted to change, you would’ve done so by now.

That sounds really harsh, doesn’t it?  Well, sometimes the truth hurts.  I mean, I went through the same thing – I kept telling myself, “ok, this week, I’m going to stop eating junk food and eat healthy only”.  Ha ha ha.  Yeah, that didn’t really last long.  One look at a slice of pizza and I was done.  For 5 years, that didn’t work.  It wasn’t until I really finally wanted to change that I did it.  And I did it to the best of my ability.  I stopped eating junk food, I got back to the gym on a regular basis, I committed to making the change – finally. 

Now, I will admit that every once in a while, I eat something that is probably not good for me.  It’s really hard to avoid high-fructose corn syrup.  That stuff is in everything!  But occasionally I will have that granola bar or that salad dressing or something that contains it.  It’s even harder to avoid than regular sugar.

Oh and salt.  MAN I can’t get away from salt.  First, I really like salty foods.  But it’s also in everything.  You eat a piece of deli meat and bam! – you’ve just eaten your allowable level of sodium for the day.  Bah.

If I really want to reach my goal of being absolutely ripped and having the body fat % of Jillian Michaels, then I would totally cut out all of that junk and probably follow her personal diet to getting ripped to the letter.  At this point, I’m 32 years old and I can recognize within myself when I’m really committed to something and when I’m just pretending.  Until I really make that commitment, I’m not going to continually beat myself up about it and feel guilty that I’m not reaching that goal.  There’s no point and it’s counter-productive.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that my New Years Re-Affirmation is to continue to eat as healthy as possible and avoid the salty and junky foods that are out there.  I am being realistic and realize that occasionally, I will eat that piece of chocolate or salty popcorn, but for the most part, I’m going to control myself.  And I’m going to continue going to the gym on a regular basis and exercising as much as possible. If it’s a slow process to getting the health level and body I want, so be it.  It’s good for me.

Alright – as normal, I had no idea what I was going to start writing about.  I’m surprised it took this turn.  But there you go – I want big muscles and I want to get ripped. Maybe some day.  Until then, I’m happy with myself

If you are as lucky as I am, you have SOMEone or SOME people to spend the holiday season with and it has nothing to do with the fictional birth of Jesus.  And I say fictional because I think we all know that the church really just picked this season because it would take over the pagan winter solstice celebration and turn it into a religious holiday instead.  It’s not saying that Jesus was never born or never existed, but that it has nothing to do with the original celebration of December 25th(ish). 

Anyway, I AM lucky because even though I’m working on December 25th, I have a wonderful husband that I woke up with this morning and who I will get to snuggle next to at night.  That is, if it’s not too hot when we go to bed.  Then you don’t want any contact because it just makes you hot and sticky.  And not in a good way.

Christmas time in Costa Rica has been a little weird.  Wait – maybe I should point out how it is really the same first… 

Well, Christmas is a fairly big deal here, as I thought it would be.  Costa Rica is technically a Catholic country so there is the obvious religious meaning and tones to it that we may not get quite as much as in Vancouver.  But there are still houses decorated with lights and wreaths and such.  There are the inflated Santas and reindeer and even snow men.  Isn’t that funny?  There are characterizations of snow men here when a large portion of the native population has never seen snow before in real life.  How bizarre.

There are advertisements and messages all over the TV as there is in Vancouver.  Stores have their usual sales and people wish everyone a Merry Christmas, even if they don’t shop there.  Restaurants have the usual decorations in their lobby area – the gratuitous Christmas tree with fake presents underneath.  The malls are absolutely packed and it is extremely difficult to find parking spaces anywhere.

Now, how is it different?  Well, obviously, being a completely different country with a fairly different culture, you would assume that there are many things that aren’t quite the same.  And you’d be right.  Here’s just a few observations I’ve made so far:

1. There is no Salvation Army here (that I know of), so you don’t have the Santas or other volunteers ringing their bells, collecting money at the entrances to the malls and/or big stores.  I didn’t realize how much I had noticed that in Vancouver until there is the absence of it.  Don’t get me wrong – I like giving to charity and making a difference, but I also like that I don’t have to feel pressured every time I go somewhere and have to do it.

2. Messages of good wishes aren’t quite as “religious neutral” as in Vancouver.  In Vancouver, you still get a lot of people saying “Merry Christmas” and all that, but I’ve always noticed that it’s usually expressed more along the lines of “Happy Holidays”.  At least on TV and through the local advertisements and any kind of “official” message from a corporation or place of business.  Here, we got a message from one of our lovely HR coordinators that wished us many blessings from God and for Him to look over us in the new year and all that jazz.  This, from an HR rep.  Strange.

3. Home decorations, while present, are not quite as garish or overdone.  In Vancouver, if you’re driving through a residential neighborhood, it’s almost guaranteed that at some point, you’ll come across a house or set of houses that have gone ridiculously over the line when it comes to energy waste.  They’ve got the inflatable figures, the lights on every piece of their house, the nativity scene in the front yard, the lighted, moving, reindeer, etc.  Here, well, I’ll be honest, the houses don’t really have open front yards and have very uninviting bars with reams of barbed wire to protect from theft.  They are locked up absolutely tight.  So there isn’t a lot of room for lawn decorations, and certainly lights aren’t put up around the barbed wire or the massive bars on the windows, so things are decorated with a more minimalist flair.  Still pretty though.  And much better for the environment!

4. The obvious difference in weather.  In Costa Rica, there’s only 2 climates – the “green” (aka wet) season, and the dry season.  Going into December is more or less the start of the dry season so the monsoon rains that usually downpour in the afternoon are no longer there (or are definitely not daily any longer).  Instead, it’s replaced with a fairly violent and strong wind.  This wind is extremely loud, and pretty powerful.  According to the locals here, the Christmas time winds are sort of what indicates to them the start of the holiday season.  So you know how snowfall and/or the obvious drop in temperature to freezing levels in Canada sort of tells us that “Christmas is in the air”…?  Well, here instead, it’s the gales of wind that tell them that Christmas is coming.  There are clouds in the sky most days, but usually, you wake up to a bright, sunny, and fairly warm day.  And I say “warm” in that it doesn’t usually fall below 15 degrees celsius, which to them is like, “freezing cold”.  Yeah, I know – I can’t help but point out that Vancouver is usually in the -5 to +3 range so they really shouldn’t complain…

5. For the Christmas season, it is very popular to head to the beach for your vacations.  For us, in Vancouver, we want to head to the beach for Christmas, we have to travel to Hawaii or Mexico or somewhere like that.  Not here – they just jump on to the highway (if they live in the Central Valley like we do) and are at a beautiful, warm, sunny beach in less than an hour.  Apparently, after December 25th, you should notice that the roads are barer and there’s less people around.  They’re all at the beach!

Bill and I have been taking advantage of the lack of rain and the warm, sunny mornings and golfing as much as we can.  In the past month, we’ve at least golfed a full round every week, or twice a week.  It’s awesome.  Christmas Eve day we spent the morning on the course and had a great time.  That’s something that you definitely cannot do in Vancouver.

I do miss being back in Vancouver for the holidays.  I miss the family and friends and all the Christmas dinner and parties we would go to.  I don’t miss the shopping for presents though.  That’s one thing we’ve managed to avoid here, which I’m really happy about.  Don’t get me wrong – I like to receive presents and I like to give them away, but the stage at which it’s gotten at Christmas time is ridiculous.  I’m a pretty materialistic person, but it’s not worth it at this level.

Anyway, I hope everyone does enjoy their Christmas holiday time, regardless of where they are in the world and with who they’re with (and what religion you follow, for that matter).  Learn to appreciate the memories and savor the time you can.  I know that I have my wonderful husband with me and a only a few good friends, but I feel more than blessed with the love and support with those around me, and those with me from afar.

Happy Holidays!

So anyway, I’m writing from Costa Rica still.  Haven’t moved anywhere else recently.  I still like it down here – but there are some things that have gotten under my skin.  Some things that I think I just can maybe never get used to.  For instance… navigating.  It is really tough navigating in this country.  There are no formal addresses, there are rarely any street signs, you really have to know your compass directions (N, E, S, W) and even that can be tough because it’s not like there’s a landmark you can always see that will point you the right way.  The Central Valley of Costa Rica is surrounded by a ring of mountains, and they pretty much all look the same.  So it’s not like Vancouver where you just have to look for the long ridge of mountains and bang!, you’re heading north.

My husband and I have tried to get places with a National Geographic map of Costa Rica.  It has actually caused more problems than it has helped.  There are roads and paths on the map that do not exist in the real world and thus, we end up missing exits and going the wrong way because the map has assured us there is a road there.  Funny enough, we haven’t seen a map or map book here at all.  Might have to really hunt around to find one that would hopefully be more reliable.  Otherwise, I really do see us getting into several arguments because we get lost all the time.  Yuck.

You know, I didn’t even intend to write about our traveling problems in Costa Rica when I sat down – it just sort of came up.  I guess I hate the navigating part more than I thought.  Hmm…

What I am excited about is our next travel out of the country.  Hahaha – geez, that makes it sound like I hate it here.  That is totally not the case.  But, as many people may know, I do just like traveling in general so whether it’s in or out of the country, doesn’t matter.  On the surface, the boring part of the next trip is into the USA.  For our last mini-trip, we went to Orlando.  Now… Miami!  Gee – we’re really traveling the world and expanding our horizons.  Ha ha.

The reason we aren’t going somewhere more interesting, like Belize, or Panama, is because recent weather patterns in Central America has caused some hesitation about staying more local.  The last hurricane, (Tomas) had just recently hit Belize and not that it caused monumental damage or anything, but we figured this time of year is probably not a good time to take the chance and have a hurricane-filled vacation there.  That would suck.

So why Miami then?  Well, it’s really more a matter of convenience and interest.  Convenience, because it is quite cheap and quick to fly to Miami from Costa Rica.  Interest, because we checked the national sports schedules, and found seats for 2 Miami Heat games and a Miami Dolphins game.  This is our chance to go catch Lebron-Wade-Bosh playing “at home”, plus, we have never been to an NFL game. Yes, the tickets are nose-bleeds, but who cares?  The atmosphere of a packed, loud stadium is something I will never stop enjoying.

It makes me really miss the Vancouver Grizzlies.  Yes, they sucked pretty bad.  Yes, actual basketball fans were hard to come by in Vancouver.  But still, they were our team and it was our chance to watch professionals play just minutes away.  Man I hate pro hockey…

Well, I can’t say that I’m going to blog from Miami or anything.  Maybe I’ll have a chance to shoot a cool pic from my iPhone and upload it right away.  I’ll try to look for opportunities… but really, we’ll see how quick people are to actually check it!

So next week, I’ll be off to Miami and I’m sure I’ll have a joyous time there.  Yay me!

I’m gonna write this post as sort of a “way out from left field” rambling.  You can read on if you’re into it, but I wouldn’t blame you if you stopped.  Mainly, because I’m going to write about… the Origin of Life.  Yeah, I know – crazy.

The topic of the origin of life has come up recently after having watched the documentary, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed.  It’s basically a documentary about how the “scientific” theory of Intelligent Design is not given its proper due and it’s being supressed by an evil, conspiring, scientific community.  I was greatly intrigued by this topic as it was something I had never really heard of before and also, it partly made sense.  To dumb it down, from what I understood, Intelligent Design was formed out of Creationism, but that it clearly stays out of the debate of whether or not it was “God” that designed the world.  So it somewhat agrees with Evolution, but that in the beginning SOMEONE designed it to happen that way – it wasn’t just by chance.

Now, being a product of an educational institute that does not allow for religious or creationist views to be taught in science class, I learned about biology and history and social science with an emphasis on Evolutionary theory. That is how the world is explained.  It makes sense to me, I believe that it happened that way, and I can’t think otherwise – it’s ingrained.  To think that it was by a God who created a man and a woman and then kicked them out of the garden and then their babies bred other babies and so on and so forth – that seems like hooey to me.  It’s a story born of ignorance to explain a question that could not be explained at that time.

The paradox, in my mind, is that I am also not an atheist.  I believe there is a higher power and that there is a heaven and that if we lead good lives, we will be rewarded.  That sounds like a bunch of hooey as well, right?  Well, at the same time, growing up in a moderately Catholic family and having gone to Sunday school and taken my First Communion and all that, I also cannot expel that belief from my head.  It is ingrained.  I believe in it just as much as I believe in Evolutionary theory.  And just like Evolution, I also cannot prove it 100%.  I can’t prove that there is a God that created us, nor can Evolution disprove it.

So what am I to do?

Well, first, I’m torturing you with this controversial and headache-y topic in a post on a blog that really, has never been serious or raised these kinds of questions before.  Not only that, but I haven’t done extensive research or gathered any facts on the topic. It’s just from what I’ve gathered so far from documentaries and wikipedia articles and the like, and my own internal opinion.  Of course, with time, I do plan to do more research, but I figured out hash out some ideas now

So is Intelligent Design my answer?  Is it the go-between Creationism and Evolution?  At this time, I would say it is too early to make that leap.  I am leery of a theory that is born out of Creationism and is alleged to have an agenda of introducing Creationism into the classroom under the guise of “science”.  According to the documentary, it does not have a religious motive, but so far, my limited research shows otherwise.  So who am I to believe?

I really like thinking about this topic and trying to hash out the possibilities.  What could be more interesting than trying to guess how the world came to be?  And I say GUESS, because Evolution provides no real evidence of how it was created, and Creationism gives a make-believe story.  Can there be room for both? 

If I have offended anyone by raising these questions, I apologize.  That is not my intention.  If raising questions at all is offensive, than frankly, I am confused and perplexed by that reaction.  And that’s just me – that’s just my opinion.  You are more than welcome to yours.  I have always believed that debate, discussion, disagreement, is how we learn.  Listening to other points of view is a privilege because you are able to get outside of your head and have an opportunity to look at things more objectively.  In the end, you may disagree with that viewpoint, but at least you can say that you learned something.  You may have learned that other people are stupid for believing in a God or believing that we just disappear after death, but at least you had a chance to decide.  It’s all about choice.

In the large scheme of things, my figuring out what is the origin of life is surprisingly very minuscule and insignificant.  That seems surprising to say, but maybe its my “advantage” of having a confused, contradictory view of how we came to be.  That my belief in God, as well a my belief in Evolution affords me the chance to live my life the best way I know how.  To figure out what it is I want from life and how I can help my fellow persons.  I have a choice, right?

I’m miserable because of my back. I’ve written about my condition before (Ankylosing Spondylitis), and I thought to myself, why? Why do I keep harping on this subject? It must get boring to read about… And I think it’s because I just want to understand it, and I want others to understand it. I’m selfish that way. I feel like I’m totally alone in this and I can’t do anything to stop it. Even though there are thousands of people with the same condition – some much worse – I feel like I suffer alone. It’s so… frustrating.

For the longest time I went undiagnosed – probably about 6 years or so. I’d have this chronic flare-up in my Si joints that I could not predict and the doctors I would go to just gave me pain medication and never really explained what was wrong. And I’d talk like a crazy person, trying to describe the sharp pain down my leg – the dull ache in the morning – the breathtaking jabs of pain when I’d sneeze… oh my gosh – the sneezing. People without AS really have no idea how lucky they are to be able to sneeze like a normal person. I used to LOVE sneezing – it was so freeing and satisfying. Now, sneezing can be excruciating pain. It can feel like someone jabbed several forks into my back. And THEN, I’d see those people that actually try to stifle their sneezes! Holy cow, you have the ability to let out a good, satisfying sneeze, without blearing pain, and you’re trying to stop it??? Man, don’t get me started…

Well, now that I’m in Costa Rica, I’m obviously in a different bed. It’s a much harder mattress, and obviously, not one that is as new and “fancy” as my old bed in Vancouver. And not surprisingly, my back HATES it. I go to bed very easily (all that know me know I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat), but I can probably stay laying down for about 3-4 hours before I have to get up.

Let me try to explain the pain (becuase it makes me feel a little better to talk about it)… my AS symptoms have gone from my lower SI joints, to my upper back and ribcage. I think a lot of this is because I have stopped running and the impact is no longer centered down there. But I think the symptoms have moved to my upper back, just because of natural progression – it’s a common thing with AS.

So what does it feel like? Well, it basically feels like I can’t breathe. I will wake up in the morning (or more recently, after about 4 hours of laying in bed sleeping) not with sharp pain like I would have in my SI joints when I would move, but sort of a duller pain that would kick in when I would get to the full extension of my breath. It feels like my ribs are compressing into my lungs, and me, trying to stretch them out, well, it doesn’t like that. So taking shallower breaths helps, but just laying down, I can still feel a pain – an ache. So I try to constantly shift, but it doesn’t matter – it’s always there. Until I actually leave the bed and stretch and walk around for a while (basically get up and start the day), that awful feeling is there.

What sometimes feels better is if I jab/massage my knuckles into the joints of my ribcage – where my ribs meet my spine. This seems to relieve it, very temporarily. But of course, just picture me trying to self-massage my spine with my knuckles… not very effective, and definitely not conducive to sleeping. And moving around, I would also sometimes get the familiar sharp pain, particularly in my right side. Again, it feels like someone is stabbing a fork into my ribs.

I get up early every day (5am) to hit the gym. The gym usually consists of some kind of cardio, plus some weight training. So either spin class and weights, or weights and swimming laps, or walking on the treadmill and weights… and at least every other day, some simple stretching/back exercises that my physiotherapist in Burnaby gave me to do. By the time I get out of there, I don’t have that dull ache and I can breathe almost at 100% again (I can still feel an uncomfortable feeling when I take a deep breath – I say “uncomfortable” because it doesn’t hurt so much that I would call it “pain”, but I don’t like the feeling either). I still have the stabbing-fork-pain in my right side when I make certain movements.

And so I can function quite well during the day (besides the occasional stab and sneezing-induced stabs from the dreaded forks) because I’m moving around. I get up fairly often from my desk to walk around and stretch, which I think helps. But again, this isn’t helpful during the night when I’m trying to string together a healthy 8-hour sleep. So what I’ve taken to doing when I wake up due to the discomfort, is I get up, do some minimal stretching and walking, and then take 2 extra-strength Ibuprofens and try and go back to sleep. The laying back down and trying to find a somewhat comfortable position is the worst part, cuz really, no position at that stage is really comfortable. But the fact that I can’t string together a restful night, I usually fall back asleep due to exhaustion. Do the Ibuprofens help? I think they do – I usually wake up in the morning with a little less pain and discomfort than during the night. And now that I type this out loud, I’m thinking maybe I should take them before I go to bed as well… maybe it’ll help avoid the painful wake-up in the middle of the night…? Is it okay to take 4 extra-strength Ibuprofens within a 5 hour time frame…? Hmmm…

I know these symptoms are never going to go away – there is no cure for AS. I’m just afraid of them getting even worse. Especially the breathing – I’m supposed to be very mindful of my ribcage and make sure that it doesn’t permanently shrink in too much – otherwise I will be taking shallow breaths for the rest of my life. So despite the uncomfortable feeling, I try to take deep breaths often. I think I’m going to try and find a measuring tape to keep a record of where I am. I mean, even if it starts shrinking in and solidifying, there’s not much I can do to reverse it – but at least I’ll consciously have an explanation as to why I’m always huffing and puffing…

And now I need to find something to help with the bed I’m sleeping on… I’m thinking of buying a memory foam mattress topper for the bed. I don’t know for sure if one of these would be effective, but so far, according to the research I’ve been able to do, it will probably be the best solution. God, I sure hope so…

And can I find a memory foam mattress here in Costa Rica? So far, no. So my options would be to either have one shipped in (mighty expensive), or to have one shipped to Canada, and then I can bring it down when I return… So the question is, can I last 1 month like this? I don’t know…

Anyway – thanks for reading this, if you did. And really, you don’t have to. I just feel better typing it out anyway, even if no one is listening. I’ll probably talk about it in my podcast also – it’s something that has been dominating my thoughts lately. Even more so than the upcoming wedding, or the jam-packed job I’m doing right now… I just don’t know what else to do…

I’m miserable because of my back. I’ve written about my condition before (Ankylosing Spondylitis), and I thought to myself, why? Why do I keep harping on this subject? It must get boring to read about… And I think it’s because I just want to understand it, and I want others to understand it. I’m selfish that way. I feel like I’m totally alone in this and I can’t do anything to stop it. Even though there are thousands of people with the same condition – some much worse – I feel like I suffer alone. It’s so… frustrating.

For the longest time I went undiagnosed – probably about 6 years or so. I’d have this chronic flare-up in my Si joints that I could not predict and the doctors I would go to just gave me pain medication and never really explained what was wrong. And I’d talk like a crazy person, trying to describe the sharp pain down my leg – the dull ache in the morning – the breathtaking jabs of pain when I’d sneeze… oh my gosh – the sneezing. People without AS really have no idea how lucky they are to be able to sneeze like a normal person. I used to LOVE sneezing – it was so freeing and satisfying. Now, sneezing can be excruciating pain. It can feel like someone jabbed several forks into my back. And THEN, I’d see those people that actually try to stifle their sneezes! Holy cow, you have the ability to let out a good, satisfying sneeze, without blearing pain, and you’re trying to stop it??? Man, don’t get me started…

Well, now that I’m in Costa Rica, I’m obviously in a different bed. It’s a much harder mattress, and obviously, not one that is as new and “fancy” as my old bed in Vancouver. And not surprisingly, my back HATES it. I go to bed very easily (all that know me know I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat), but I can probably stay laying down for about 3-4 hours before I have to get up.

Let me try to explain the pain (becuase it makes me feel a little better to talk about it)… my AS symptoms have gone from my lower SI joints, to my upper back and ribcage. I think a lot of this is because I have stopped running and the impact is no longer centered down there. But I think the symptoms have moved to my upper back, just because of natural progression – it’s a common thing with AS.

So what does it feel like? Well, it basically feels like I can’t breathe. I will wake up in the morning (or more recently, after about 4 hours of laying in bed sleeping) not with sharp pain like I would have in my SI joints when I would move, but sort of a duller pain that would kick in when I would get to the full extension of my breath. It feels like my ribs are compressing into my lungs, and me, trying to stretch them out, well, it doesn’t like that. So taking shallower breaths helps, but just laying down, I can still feel a pain – an ache. So I try to constantly shift, but it doesn’t matter – it’s always there. Until I actually leave the bed and stretch and walk around for a while (basically get up and start the day), that awful feeling is there.

What sometimes feels better is if I jab/massage my knuckles into the joints of my ribcage – where my ribs meet my spine. This seems to relieve it, very temporarily. But of course, just picture me trying to self-massage my spine with my knuckles… not very effective, and definitely not conducive to sleeping. And moving around, I would also sometimes get the familiar sharp pain, particularly in my right side. Again, it feels like someone is stabbing a fork into my ribs.

I get up early every day (5am) to hit the gym. The gym usually consists of some kind of cardio, plus some weight training. So either spin class and weights, or weights and swimming laps, or walking on the treadmill and weights… and at least every other day, some simple stretching/back exercises that my physiotherapist in Burnaby gave me to do. By the time I get out of there, I don’t have that dull ache and I can breathe almost at 100% again (I can still feel an uncomfortable feeling when I take a deep breath – I say “uncomfortable” because it doesn’t hurt so much that I would call it “pain”, but I don’t like the feeling either). I still have the stabbing-fork-pain in my right side when I make certain movements.

And so I can function quite well during the day (besides the occasional stab and sneezing-induced stabs from the dreaded forks) because I’m moving around. I get up fairly often from my desk to walk around and stretch, which I think helps. But again, this isn’t helpful during the night when I’m trying to string together a healthy 8-hour sleep. So what I’ve taken to doing when I wake up due to the discomfort, is I get up, do some minimal stretching and walking, and then take 2 extra-strength Ibuprofens and try and go back to sleep. The laying back down and trying to find a somewhat comfortable position is the worst part, cuz really, no position at that stage is really comfortable. But the fact that I can’t string together a restful night, I usually fall back asleep due to exhaustion. Do the Ibuprofens help? I think they do – I usually wake up in the morning with a little less pain and discomfort than during the night. And now that I type this out loud, I’m thinking maybe I should take them before I go to bed as well… maybe it’ll help avoid the painful wake-up in the middle of the night…? Is it okay to take 4 extra-strength Ibuprofens within a 5 hour time frame…? Hmmm…

I know these symptoms are never going to go away – there is no cure for AS. I’m just afraid of them getting even worse. Especially the breathing – I’m supposed to be very mindful of my ribcage and make sure that it doesn’t permanently shrink in too much – otherwise I will be taking shallow breaths for the rest of my life. So despite the uncomfortable feeling, I try to take deep breaths often. I think I’m going to try and find a measuring tape to keep a record of where I am. I mean, even if it starts shrinking in and solidifying, there’s not much I can do to reverse it – but at least I’ll consciously have an explanation as to why I’m always huffing and puffing…

And now I need to find something to help with the bed I’m sleeping on… I’m thinking of buying a memory foam mattress topper for the bed. I don’t know for sure if one of these would be effective, but so far, according to the research I’ve been able to do, it will probably be the best solution. God, I sure hope so…

And can I find a memory foam mattress here in Costa Rica? So far, no. So my options would be to either have one shipped in (mighty expensive), or to have one shipped to Canada, and then I can bring it down when I return… So the question is, can I last 1 month like this? I don’t know…

Anyway – thanks for reading this, if you did. And really, you don’t have to. I just feel better typing it out anyway, even if no one is listening. I’ll probably talk about it in my podcast also – it’s something that has been dominating my thoughts lately. Even more so than the upcoming wedding, or the jam-packed job I’m doing right now… I just don’t know what else to do…

I don’t even like hockey all that much, but it’s ridiculously exciting. When it comes to Canada, I can’t help but go crazy too